As I sat next to my step-mother, watching my dad’s casket being slowly lowered into the ground, the thought occurred to me: not only was I surrounded by extended family, but by my blended family.
My mother Petra died when I was 7 years old. Three days before I received my First Communion; only a week or two after my younger sister and I had seen her in the hospital for a Mother’s Day visit. The following years are honestly a blur for me: many not-so-pleasant memories that as a growing adult I struggled to find meaning in and create a positive spin for.
During the after-funeral family get-together, I managed to spend some time talking to my cousin, who had lost his first wife a few years earlier (coincidentally, he also had 2 young girls) and was now happily married to another woman who had a son of her own. I’d remembered seeing pictures and reading about the most wonderful adoption ceremony they’d had shortly after their wedding, and appreciating how they considered that that event may even have been more significant than their own wedding! Despite working through some difficult moments and challenging times, they both felt they were a truly cohesive ~ whole, and healthy ~ family today.
Which got me to thinking…
How to Preserve The Gift Of Being a Blended Family
Today it’s still quite impossible for me to talk to my own step-mother about the transition we all had after they were married. Questions come up that even as an adult I fear I will never have answers for: Why did she think our relationship changed so after they got married (my dad and she knew each other and dated long-distance for a year or so prior to their marriage)? What thoughts went through her head the few summers we went off with Petra’s family on vacation? How did she process the seriously troubling times we went through as a family during my teen years?
I have to admit that when I became a parent, I developed a much greater sense of understanding and forgiveness for my own parents as parents.
But looking back on how I was raised, and coming to terms with my blended background, I’ve come up with
6 things my folks might have been done differently.
Not to dishonor them or what they’ve done, but to suggest things that others might want to consider…
1) Encourage conversation
Even as a young child, I longed to talk to my folks. To my dad, about what had happened to my mom, and about her past…to my step-mom, about her feelings and what she was experiencing…and to them both, about what was going inside of me in the midst of it all. Not allowing these conversations to happen suggests that these topics and feelings are somehow wrong or taboo. Not a good thing…
2) Give grace
Hey, we’re all doing the best we can. Yup, we’re gonna flub up, but welcome to the human race. Forgive and move on. Adults have to model this concept if they can ever expect their children to learn it. [Tweet “Extending grace is an art, a skill, and a blessing. @MomsAMCoffee”]
3) Don’t assume the worst
You know how little kids are sometimes, right? Especially sisters: sharing secrets about boys at school, or what happened in class yesterday, or what so-and-so said in the playground. [Tweet “Don’t assume that your step-kids are talking maliciously about you! @MomsAMCoffee”]
4) Deal with the “step” issue
One of the growing problems I have with Disney stories is the portrayal of the step-parent, and in particular, step-mothers. It’s easy in our culture for step-moms to assume that these negative traits summarily accompany the title, but it’s also a lie from the pit! This is my definition of “step-mother”: Someone who, of her own volition, entered into a family that comes along with its own history, and chooses to begin a new section of the tapestry together with them. It doesn’t negate or betray the past, but adds new color and texture and richness, moving forward. Similar to adoption, it adds a deeper layer of choice to being a mom.
5) Consider adoption
At one point during high school, I had the opportunity to earn a scholarship from the company my step-mom worked for. At first, we thought that I had to be adopted to be eligible, so proceedings were initiated; when it was understood that I qualified without that connection, my folks decided not to pursue it. Adoption sends a strong message to kids, yet in the end, it boils down to point #1 – keep the conversation going (especially with older children), but also with your spouse. Then you can decide together, with information and discernment, if this is an option your family will pursue.
6) Remember who is the adult and who is the child
Sometimes we all need the reminder that, concerning parenting, “More is caught than taught.” It’s no different in this case!
As in any family, some of these issues aren’t an “issue”, and other families may have issues that I didn’t mention.
The important thing for any blended family to remember is that there will always be another layer to the inevitable challenges that all families experience. It doesn’t make your family, or any one single person in it, bad or wrong or broken.
It is what it is: another opportunity to extend love and grace to fellow sinners who were brought together by God as part of His unique and wonderful and loving plan!
What a gift…
continue the Blended Family Conversation
Have you used any of these strategies to preserve the gift of blended family? Would any of these ideas work well for you current family dynamics? And finally, what blended family wisdom would you add to this list? We look forward to continuing the conversation in the comments below!
*Pat Fenner* is busy these days homeschooling 3 middle- and high-schoolers, keeping up with her 2 adult-and-married kids, trying to run a blog, be a helpmeet to her crazy and lovable hubby, *and* not lose her mind in the process. Unbelievably beginning to prepare for the inevitable empty nest, she is focusing on productive ways to pass on to younger parents and new homeschoolers the lessons she’s learned through the school of hard knocks. Visit her and her partner-in-crime over at PatAndCandy.com, and get wonderful words of encouragement periodically with their newsletter “Since We Last Talked…”
I too am part of a blended family, it is a beautifully complicated thing. But God can restore what is lost and forgiveness can help us move forward into all that He has for us. Blessings to you and yours!
I love that thought, Sara “beautifully complicated”! But only if we choose it to be so…
You’re so right, too: forgiveness is crucial, but really does help everyone move forward together…
Thank you for your encouragement! Praying for His best for your family, too <3
My best friend grew up with a similar blended family situation, Pat. It has caused her much self-doubt and impacted the way she sees life now. I’m so glad that you’re talking about this, my friend. Goes along so well with what I’m unpacking at MM. Thanks also to Jed and Jen for sharing your story!
Beth,
Thank you so much for your encouragement, my friend. Your site has really helped me look at some of these issues, and oddly enough, through that, I’ve been able to look back and help process my own childhood and upbringing, further encouraged by Jed and Jen!
Love how God has used new blogger friends to help heal wounds from long ago…so creative of Him ;-)!
Hey Pat,
Thank you for guest-posting and for the incredible blended family wisdom! Jenny and I are continually looking for ways to preserve our own gift of blended family. #1 and #2 are two tools that we are putting into practice. It’s certainly a learning process, but it’s well worth the effort. The better we get at these, the more joy and peace we have in our home.
I love your definition of stepmother too. Our family is incredibly blessed to have Jenny. The media portrayal of stepmothers is unfortunate. Our legal system is pretty tough on step-mommies too. It really does put them though a lot of heartache–especially when they have both step-children and biological children–and does not give them a voice in the matter. I love that you are using this opportunity to cheer them on. They need and deserve it!
Thank for being such a strong advocate for blended families!
Jed (and Jen!),
Thank YOU so much for sharing my story here! I find it both amusing and a bit irritating that it took me so many years to finally come to terms with and talk about my own history, but I do find that I can do it now without bitterness or anger. Although it blows me away that God would use me like this, I truly hope that my experiences will be able to help and bless some of your readers.
Daily I remind myself that NOTHING happens without meaning…God brings together (and sometimes tears apart) as He wills, and we can lean on Him for both understanding and comfort no matter what the situation…
Love what you guys are doing on your site!!
I love how you mentioned “extending grace is an art and a skill” This is so encouraging because we all can grow and develop this as a habit and something we do naturally!
Totally, Meg! Actually, everything I wrote here can be applied to ANY family! Especially the grace part…
These are all great tips. I am from a divorced family, but my dad never remarried and my mom only did after I was already out of the house, so I personally didn’t grow up in a blended family, but I can see how these tips would be a great help.
Miranda,
My prayer is that even one tiny comment here could help ANY family that is struggling. Thanks for sharing a bit of your story, too!
Families can be complex, even small families. I relate entirely to what you say about becoming a parent and how that changes our perspective.
THAT’s the truth, Helen! Yeah, I’m still kinda blown away by just how MUCH my perspective changed once I had kids…and then again how it’s been changing as my kids become adults!
Guess change is the one thing that’s guaranteed in life 😉
Love this. Some really great advice in this post for those who are part of a blended family. All family is a gift, but there certainly is something special about blending two families as one. 🙂
Thanks, Brianna…and beautifully said…
Wow, beautifully written! Thank you for sharing your heart! I love the step about giving grace! So so important to remember!
Cathy
#2 Extend Grace is my most important. It wasn’t until I became a parent that I fully understood how hard it is to navigate through parenthood. I remind myself that I am going to get it wrong…and that’s ok…God will fill the gaps where I lack wisdom.
I love the adoption idea. I have seen it change family’s when thy step parent adopts! 🙂
Thanks for sharing your guest post with us at Together on Tuesdays!
I didn’t grow up in a blended family but being a single mom, I often wonder if that is a road I would consider going down someday. It’s so nice to read wisdom from people who have experience in this area and very interesting to hear it from the adult child’s perspective.
I love how you debunk Disney’s depiction of a step-parent and redefine it – an extra layer of choice. Great post.
My family didn’t really become blended until I was 19. My parents had been divorced since I was 12, but my Dad remarried. My stepmom had 3 adult children, and my siblings and I were all in our teen years. It’s never been easy, but I truly started to appreciate my stepmom more when I became a parent. She loved me and my siblings as best as she could, and there is no mistaken her being “Mom Mom” to my sons, or my nieces or nephews today. I understood much of the hurt in things not being addressed from your post. I think it is wonderful how you were able to add how you thought things could be better. I think that’s an exceptional part of parenting is that we can take what we didn’t like and do it how we want with our own children. Thanks for sharing such a great post with #SocialButterflySunday! Hope to see you link up again this week!